hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
