look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
