My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
