I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
