im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i think i have two assholes
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
