My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I've blown a few things in my day
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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