Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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