i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Boobs speak an international language.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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