Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
