yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
