Don't make out with my wife yet
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have aggressive nipples.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize