that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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