i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
