Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
