Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So squirting runs in the family.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
