dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
