awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
