It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
