made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
