I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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