bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
