We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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