I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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