you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
