He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
