You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
