there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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