guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
