So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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