So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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