Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
