I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
