I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
