Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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