the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
