no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
