I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Vodka?
Forever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
