Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
