You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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