btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
