I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
