Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
