is your mom at the bar?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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