i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
