i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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