you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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