If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
