running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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