If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
