I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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