A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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