filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
