im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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