And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
