the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
