I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My ass is underappreciated
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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