last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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