Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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