Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
