Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
