girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
