for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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