We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
